Dear readers,

It has been quite some time since my thoughts have been hijacked by either diaspora or nostalgia. So, I turned them into pieces of art and decided to share with you.

1
When memories intrude your daily tasks, and it becomes a battle to be in the present or cater the past. When a thought turns into a spiral, a quicksand, a black-hole engulfing your being and you feel that you are not yourself anymore. When even the best of your memories haunt you because they can’t be lived again. When you realize that your memories have been deceiving with each passing moment as they reshape at every recollection. You know deep down that nostalgia is tricking your brain but how do you turn this off?
2
When you desperately want to forget those times but can not. A part of you doesn’t want to forget because that’s what makes you YOU! That’s the connection of your present to past, your only anchor. If you erase it won’t you too erase a part of your own-self? And what about the guilt which consumes you when you forget something you were supposed to remember forever? So you hold on to the pain of remembering even if it burns your soul.
3
You find your mental health deteriorating, your ambitions fading, your friendships ending. What else could be the most likely cause other than this physical distance? A voice within you reasons that this distance is time and that the things broken today by diaspora, otherwise would have been eventually eroded by time. A part of you blames yourself as well, another blames the fate. When will this blame game end?
4
You miss the sea, those waves, those sands which seeped inside you making home in your body. You want to be at the beach like that one last time when you confided your sorrows to the tides and it was as if they understood your pain. They rattled and enveloped you like a blanket, a comforting shield, a purifying experience. You want to give your all to these bodies of salt: ocean, sweat and tears, because in these forms of nature you find peace, you feel complete.
5
Goodbye-s ache you. They physically and emotionally tire you. You worry and fear if that was your last goodbye. Your heart knows that it wasn’t but your brain is adamant it was. How could be the organs of the same body be so conflicting at the same time? 
6
You think often about the people you left behind. You cry and pray for them. You long for their presence and hope that this pain ends soon. The struggle seems to last forever. You wish you could fast forward this era to the times of peace. But not every wish in this world could be granted, right? You resign to fate. You resign to the belief that prayers are the only weapon.
7
You embody a tale of many cities. Born in another, loved another, and living in another. This co-existence of multiple identities within a single self is unsettling, confusing, heart-wrenching. But you learn eventually that if a heart can have two heartbeats you too can be an amalgamation of different identities. Identities which need not be at war with each other to find a place within you, but that they can live peacefully in different corners of your heart. You promise to allow yourself time to accept your surroundings and yourself.

That was it! Hope you enjoyed!

Do you too have conflicting emotions/ thoughts? How do you cope with them? Feel free to vent/ share below.

Thanks for reading. ❤

Much love,

Saira.

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