Twenty one years of being on this earth and as far as I can remember I have been a people pleaser all my life. Reason: Fear of abandonment.

It was during my school years that I realized something grave. There was one specific reason which was huge enough in my society for people to abandon me. It was then that I tried my best to work on my personality. I thought (albeit falsely) that if I have a genuinely nice persona and if I help people to the best of my abilities, perhaps they would consider my personality first before abandoning me. Maybe then, they would be a tiny bit hesitant to leave me in the times of my need. So, I learned to say ‘yes’ to every favour they asked from me. I never had contradictory opinions and even if I felt strongly about a topic, I never voiced it out loud from the fear of offending someone. I hardly ever took sides when it came to people. I became a very neutral person. This cost me some frowns & criticism but I thought it would be worth it. I tutored my friends, provided them handmade notes, made birthday cards for them and smiled at every thing they said even if I was sometimes mentally frustrated of their materialistic talks. I built a castle of unsaid words & unexpressed emotions in my heart. But alas in 2009, my fears came true. I was devastated. Hardly anyone gave a damn about my personality. Yet, I picked myself up. Things improved and I went back to square one. Fast forward to 2016, I realized what an idiot I have always been. Yes, I had learned to be kind and empathetic but it cost me my confidence, my self respect and my self esteem. The price I paid was too heavy and what I gained was invaluable.

The truth is that no one is destined to stay in your life forever. Whether they consciously abandon you or fate separates your paths, the fact is that people always leave. The connection is bound to grow weak at some point or the other. That’s just how life works and it’s totally normal. To blame yourself for this is a blatant stupidity. You can be the nicest person on earth, but there’ll always be something about you which doesn’t appeal to public and that’s totally okay. Because you are you and they are they.

Altogether, it cost me a huge chunk of my life to acknowledge this truth. If you’re reading it this far, please know that you are enough. That you don’t need validation from people to recognize your self worth. That the size of your friend circle doesn’t determine the clarity of your intentions & soul. And that sometimes it’s okay to say ‘no’; it’s okay to be alone.

Love,

Saira.

Advertisements